Sunday, June 10, 2012

Nano excerpt #3

What I started doing at the beginning of each chapter, was to put in a little snippet of a different story (that yes, ties in later). So here is the first one! I'm not entirely sure about the writing in these parts, I wanted it to make it sound different which it does, but I don't really love it.

Chapter Two

He saw her for the first time on a dancing night. She was sitting in a tree, motionless, and staring down at them. Her golden hair blended into the leaves but her eyes were piercing, blue as the sky in the day time and flitting from face to face. He ducked before she could see him and then ran to the queen to laughingly move them along. She could have nothing to do with them, nothing at all.
But of course she followed them. He caught a glimpse of her every time he turned around, she was as quiet as a shadow but the woods were bright with moonlight and would not hide her completely. The creatures around him were too caught up in the music and the revelry to notice her but she wouldn’t stay hidden forever. So he caught her eye as he danced, tried to make his face look serious even as she gazed back smiling, and mouthed the word ‘Go.’



  1. The idea of starting every chapter with a snippet from another story...I like it! It is a very unique idea; I especially like that the two story tie in later. It leaves me wondering what is to come and how it relates!

    I have a novel where I started every chapter with a memory (which provided important background for characters and the story). It was actually kind of fun writing something differently!

    There is something off about it. I've been trying to decide what it is, because I honestly like the concept of the piece and parts of the way it is written...but something is missing! With some editing, I definitely think it could be pretty awesome. Maybe some revision and you'd like it better?

  2. Thanks! It's probably a bit random for the reader, but they'll figure it out.

    That sounds fun! Good way to do that, I'm always stuck wondering how to fit in random pieces of backstory :P

    I can't decide either, but I think it might be the weirdness of me switching from first person to third so quickly (since I was writing really fast). I'm never as comfortable in third person, and it doesn't have much character especially here. I'll have to think about it :)